Stumbling Toward Infuriating

As I mentioned in my post on Monday, Diva World Headquarters is being plagued by an unfathomably unexplainable bout of phone calls from our local law enforcement agency. Last night at around midnight, after having snuggled happily under the covers and reaching the very edge of sleep, I was jerked awake by the telephone ringing six inches from my head. Having several elderly relatives and several family members prone to injury it is a rather well ingrained tradition that if the phone rings after 10:00 PM it means that a family member is either in the hospital or dead. I was understandably agitated.

Me: Hello?
Caller: Is this McBurgerandFries?
Me: *thinking WTF!!!* No, I’m sorry, this is a private residence.
Caller: Are you sure this isn’t McBurgerandFries?
Me: This is a private residence.
Caller: This is Officer ___ of the _____ County Police Department. Is Stephen ___ there?
Me: No, Officer, he isn’t.
Caller: Are you sure Stephen ___ isn’t there?
Me: Yes.

Now at this point I am becoming sincerely unhappy about this particular brand of recurring phone conversation. And the frustration is only added to by the rudeness and apparent disbelief of the officers calling. NOT ONCE have they apologized for the lateness of the hour nor seemed to recognize the incivility in calling what has been repeatedly identified as a private residence at such an ungodly time of the night. NOT ONCE have they appeared to comprehend my patient reiterations at my unhappiness in being repetitiously aroused from my slumber. NOT ONCE! (And apparently all that Jane Austen is really starting to mess with my head. Curse you, book on CD!!!)

So now, dear reader (and friends), we come to the crux of the problem. How do I handle this? The repeated phone calls and the constant disbelief are beginning to border on harassment…which I would happily report to the police except that it is the police who are calling! I have had several suggestions made as to how to hopefully resolve this issue and would like your opinions, should you choose to give them.

1. Answer the phone: “Good evening, officer. The number to McBurgerandFries is ___-___-____. Please stop calling me.”

2. Call the local ‘non-emergency’ number and lodge a complaint. (Again…since they are the ones calling…)

3. Demand the calling officer’s name and badge number and then demand to speak to their supervisor on duty. Explain the situation and demand they believe me, even going so far as to insist that they come over and see that I don’t live at a McBurgerandFries.

4. Start answering my phone “Thank you for calling McBurgerandFries, this is HistoryDiva, how may I help you?” And of course deny that the requested employee works there.

(Blogger’s Note: In reference to the above mentioned phone call I have to confess that my first thought when the officer requested Stephen ____ was to say something really snarky like “Not unless he’s hiding under my bed,” however, I don’t think that would have gone over too well. But it would have been really funny.)