Friday, June 27, 2008


It Came From An Email

Apparently this reminded our good friend the H.O.P.S.F. of Thing One and Thing Two. I can see that.

A Letter

Dearest, darling, devoted reader,

As I look back over the posts for this week I realized that I’ve left out all the juicy/gory details! Why, this week has just been packed with thrills, chills, spills, action and adventure, sword fights, high speed chases, a princess in disguise, international espionage, intrigue, blackmail, long distance air travel, sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll. Or, you know…not.

So here is a rundown of what has been happening in the life of the HistoryDiva this week. Please keep your hands and arms inside the car at all times and remember, incase of an emergency your seat cushion won’t actually save you.

On Monday I joined the H.O.P.S.F. for her weekly Stitch & Bitch at a coffee shop in the next town down the road. (Vague enough for ya???) She is a member of a local knitting group (yes knitting…it’s a multi billion dollar a year industry so shut up!) and has been asking me to drop by for quite some time now. So I finally caved. Now, I was given basic knitting instructions many years ago by my decidedly left handed mother…and since I’m seriously right handed you could most efficiently sum up that particular piece of maternal teaching as a total and complete flop. However, once I had polished off my sandwich (hey, they meet right after work on Mondays…and I was STARVING) and got down to business I was given some very clear instruction by a very nice gentleman and took to knitting very quickly. I won’t lie and tell you that since Monday I’ve made twelve scarves, eight hats, three pairs of socks and a blanket because that would just be dishonest. I’m about a quarter of the way through a scarf…because I like to do other things with my free time…like sleep.

On Tuesday I decided that it was finally time to get a hair cut. (I can see you yawning and it isn’t very polite…I know for a fact that your mother raised you better than that…now sit up straight.) After more than two months I was looking seriously shaggy but it wasn’t actually bothering me. No, what spurred this hair cut was a memo sent out via inter-office email informing EVERYONE that two very important (read ‘high dollar’) clients would be coming into the office that afternoon. And of course there I sat, looking like I hadn’t brushed my hair in a year. (It is naturally curly and starts to tangle when it gets long...and I hadn’t conditioned in like three days…and OMG, the trauma!) So I headed straight for the salon after work. The only other customers in the place were a young mother and her son who was throwing a temper-tantrum while the poor little stylist tried valiantly to not cut his ears off as he squirmed.

Wednesday is where this week started to take a different turn and LibraryDiva I suggest that you stop reading now…you can pick it up again in a few paragraphs. Now, as I have mentioned before on this blog, I am not a cat person. True, I live with Thing One and Thing Two but they are not mine and we have a mutual understanding when it comes to things like personal space, food funding, and providing entertainment. They stay out of my way and I stay out of theirs. HOWEVER, being somewhat soft hearted (Shut up, Carl) I do feel a certain amount of affection for all of the Creator’s fuzzy creatures. So when I noticed the kitten sitting in the parking lot and looking rather unwell I was understandably…umm…concerned. (And I’m sure the fact that “Without You” from the ‘Rent’ soundtrack was playing over the car radio at the time had something to do with it.) Anyway, being barely on time for work as it was I picked up the cell phone and called LibraryDiva (who is destined to become a ‘Crazy Cat Lady’ and remember that you heard it here first) who would be going into work much later in the morning and has more experience with cats than I.

She sent me a text message later in the day stating that kitten seemed to have a bad upper respiratory infection. I knew this could only mean one thing. The kitten was living in my apartment. Sure enough, when I came home for lunch I discovered an adorable but filthy kitten peering at me from underneath the vanity in LibraryDiva’s bathroom. That evening she brought the kitten to me with a very concerned expression on her face; it seems that the kitten had suffered from some sort of seizure-like fit while she was taking her bath. Listening to the kitten breath I could hear the distinct sound of water in the lungs leading me to guess that the kitten had pneumonia. We finally managed to find the kitten a comfortable place to lie which would keep its head propped up allowing it to breathe easier…my left shoulder.

Thursday morning LibraryDiva took the kitten, a female now christened ‘Firefly’, to the vet. Turns out that ‘Firefly’ had something called ‘flea anemia.’ The vet didn’t hold out much hope but allowed LibraryDiva to bring ‘Firefly’ home and advised her to keep the kitten warm and give it water. It was there, wrapped in LibraryDiva’s queen sized electric blanket, that ‘Firefly’ quietly passed away. Warm, safe, and free from pain. Being the animal lover that she is LibraryDiva was very upset and asked me to ‘take care’ of things which I did. I had a rather surreal experience that evening which I won’t chronicle here because I know that despite my warning LibraryDiva is still reading this. However, if you would like to know what happened just ask me via email or phone call.

So here we are at Friday morning. I’m at work and since its time for mid-year inventory things are rather insane around here today. Most of the supervisors are out in the shops counting like mad and the office is relatively quiet for a Friday. Tonight I’m supposed to go out to dinner with LibraryDiva and some of her co-workers, tomorrow we have the monthly meeting of our Stitch & Bitch (yes, it’s a different one) and the birthday of BalletDiva, so it looks to be a busy weekend.

Till next time,
- HistoryDiva

Friday Zombie Post

A Sad

Rest in peace, little kitty.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008



I got a haircut last night after work. There was a screaming child in the next chair. I offered to throw a temper-tantrum of my own. My stylist laughed…she thought I was kidding.

"So...I was going to post today but I got dis..."

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

About Last Night...

After several years of unsuccessful pestering I finally caved and joined the H.O.P.S.F. at her weekly Stitch & Bitch. And check out what I learned…

Monday, June 23, 2008

A Little Random Funny

Thing One and Thing Two: An Update

Here, for your viewing pleasure, is a photographic update on Things One and Two.

Here you see Thing One…lounging on my bed.

Here you can see that Thing One has become so fat it can no longer roll over while lounging on my bed.

Here you see Thing Two in its favorite spot.

Here you can see that Thing Two is still daydreaming of one day catching a squirrel. Good luck with that, pal.

The End!

Rest In Peace

Friday, June 20, 2008

Passing Strange

Seen while driving to work on Thursday morning.
For all your 'emergency' dog styling needs.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

My Day

This morning I ran into the creepy neighbor.

And then at work there were these people who showed up for a meeting and were leaning over my desk and breathing my air.

And no matter where I've been today I just can't get any space for myself.

And this entire time I've just felt so bad (I think I'm getting a cold or something) that I've seriously just been like this all day.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

A Diva Update

…of sorts.

Here are some of the happenings in and around Diva World Headquarters that you, dear reader, might find entertaining. And yes, I said might.

Our friend Robert is having the worst two weeks EVER. Poor Robert. His life has become one gigantic “I told you so,” and since I was the one who told him so I don’t know how much pity I can really feel for him at this point. I love you sweetie, but you just seem to keep setting yourself up for folly. Grad school will be better.

Our friend Carl is reportedly also setting himself up for a fall. While on vacation with his family it has become apparent that he has been away from the female population of his own age for far too long. Enjoy the bikinis while you can Carl. And seriously…don’t keep lusting after that CRAZY chick up north (or the underage one at home); no good can come of that my friend.

I had a tail light burn out over the weekend and got it replaced yesterday…with mixed results. The conversation between the two mechanics attempting to replace the bulb went something like this:

Guy #1: “Is that it?”
*gun shot like sound of rigid plastic snapping*
Guy #2: “Nope.”

Yeah…but on the plus side they didn’t charge me for the bulb.

On the home front we had some really excellent news this weekend. Opening the door on Saturday morning LibraryDiva and I discovered the disaster area formerly known as the breezeway in-between the apartments. There were empty soda and beer cans, an empty bottle of whiskey, and more cigarette butts then could be counted. Putting in a call to the office not only promised a visit by the maintenance guy who would clean things up for us but also revealed some much welcomed news. The creepy couple who lives next door to us are being evicted at the end of the month. Apparently there have been so many complaints against them that the management has finally had enough and has decided to kick them out. (And apparently – this is via the grapevine – it is going to cost the owners of the complex THOUSANDS of dollars to get their apartment back to ‘rentable’ condition.)

Also in neighbor news, the young couple who lives in the apartment directly across from us has been getting nasty notes from the management all month. It seems that they have failed to pay their rent yet again. If the management decides to take legal action against them it seems that LibraryDiva and I will have the top floor all to ourselves. In the event that this happens I just might take Robert’s advice; write a strongly worded letter to management explaining our intent to run up our flag and declare ourselves an autonomous part of the complex. We’ll name it Diva-stan.

Thing One and Thing Two are still fat and lazy.

I had a rather troubling dream Sunday night. But rest assured that I awoke filled with resolve that should LibraryDiva become a zombie I would easily get the better of her…after that momentary bout of queasiness at the thought of having to lob off her head. My dream last night was no better, I’m afraid. It involved my car getting stolen by our Hispanic downstairs neighbors (though why I would dream this I have no idea) and my futile attempts to negotiate its prompt return. Interestingly, despite several panicked phone calls to the authorities and multiple assurances as to their timely arrival, the cops never showed up.

My relief at finding my car safely located in the parking lot where I left it after work last night prompted a small consolation prize to settle my rattled nerves…

Oh, and this link is for LibraryDiva.

Monday, June 16, 2008

New Book

I wandered into my local bookstore on my lunch hour and wandered out again several minutes later with this:

I'm just hoping that I'll be able to put it down and get some sleep tonight!

Current Project

I have mentioned several times on this blog that one of my favorite hobbies is cross stitch, yet I have some how never gotten around to ‘showing off’ any of my work. Well…I’m still not going to. However, I will say that this is the project I am currently working on. (This is from the website where I ordered it and is not my work.)

See that weird ‘vase’ thing floating to the right of the pink tree and to the left of the house? That’s were I’m at right now. Maybe I’ll post a photo of it once I’m finished but I doubt it…due in large part to the fact that my full name will be stitched into the design as part of the pattern.

“Click indeed.”

Read this.

No, really. Read it.

I promise it isn't a link to that page where my pet zombie eats your brain.

No, really. I promise.

Oh, and in case you didn't notice...HAPPY 150th POST!!!

Friday, June 13, 2008

Friday Zombie Post

Sad But True

I know I said I was going to refrain from blogging about anything work related but I just can’t let this one go.

There is a very nice older gentleman who holds an important position within the company who is a little on the … well… okay, he can be weird. Not weird in that whole “it’s gonna rub off and infect me” way, weird in that “just not quite on top of things anymore” way. Now, I’ve mentioned him before…but here are some of the more entertaining eccentricities of the man.

He is convinced that any time the copy machine jams (which it is frequently wont to do) the problem can be corrected by simply raising and lowering the lid repeatedly. This has never actually corrected any kind of problem but this is apparently the only course of action he is effectively able to take. He then calls to me for assistance.

He is unable to correctly dial a number into the fax machine. The buttons (which are laid out in a pattern identical to every phone in the office…or on the planet for that matter) confuse him. If he manages to dial correctly he feeds his fax through incorrectly and then comes to me wanting to know why it did not ‘work.’

He calls upon me to be his personal dictionary, thesaurus, and spell checker. This week I was asked to spell ‘commended’ and asked for the definition of ‘confiscate.’ When he didn’t like my answer he asked me what other words he could use…so I recommended grab, seize, snatch, commandeer, and expropriate. However none of those were to his liking either.

He often feels the need to explain things to me several times in a row. Simple things…like how to address an envelope.

He often requests that I send keys through the mail, an easy enough thing to accomplish as it is usually no more than two or three attached to a small ring. He then repeatedly explains to me to do this carefully because several years ago a set of keys were lost when they ripped out of an envelope. He then smiles at me gently as if this were my fault. The event in question took place well before I even held this job.

He questions the mail and faxes that I place in his inter-office mail box.
I get this question at least once a week: “Why was this in my box?”
And it is usually followed by: “But why does this have my name on it?”
And there is the occasional: “But why would this come to me?”

Now, none of these questions are earth shatteringly hard to answer but honestly! If it has your name on it I put it in your mailbox. Not a difficult concept. Why would it have your name on it? Well possibly because you are the only contact name that person had for this company. It could be from an old list of names or they could have purchased the contact information from one of the plethora of companies with which you have a free magazine subscription (which he won’t let me cancel). I don’t know. Why would something come to you? AGAIN…if it has your name on it….!

This morning’s example: Around 8:30 AM a morning delivery guy wanders in with a package for this gentleman. I sign for it and put it in his mail box. About 9:30 AM he arrives and asks for his mail. I hand it to him, watch as the reads the address label (where his name is CLEARLY printed), and wince only slightly when he looks up at me waving the package back and forth and asks me: “Why was this in my box?”

*insert your own mental image of a frustrated receptionist slamming her head against her desk repeatedly*

Happy Friday the 13th!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

From the H.O.P.S.F.

Sent to me by my good friend and former roommate, the H.O.P.S.F. Thanks!

As for how my 12th is going...well, nobody remembered that I'm supposed to get a lunch break. And that bowl of cereal I had at 7:00 AM is starting to feel like really long time ago. *sigh*

Just Don’t Panic

Tomorrow, as you all know, is Friday the 13th.

Which means that today is Thursday the 12th.

Which means that HistoryDiva is bracing for impending doom as we speak.

You see, I have had a long, sordid history with Thursday the 12th, and it has never, ever, EVER been anything even remotely resembling a good day for me. And it got an especially early start this year. I had a fight with my mother on Tuesday and I had a fight with LibraryDiva last night. See what I mean? So now not only am I upset but I have no one in my immediate vicinity to whom I can whine about things until I feel better. I’m thoroughly anticipating something entirely too dreadful to imagine happing at some point during the day and I’m just hoping to come out alive on the other side of things. Perhaps my co-workers will turn into zombies, perhaps ninjas will attack my wagon train, perhaps I’ll be viciously mauled by rabid spider monkeys, or maybe…

Wednesday, June 11, 2008


And just when little Rebecca was recovering from that snake bite...

Friday, June 6, 2008

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Buried Alive

Ever seen a year of your life quantified tangibly? Here’s a review of 2007.

*Sob* Somebody hold me.

Brain Droppings

A short collection of random thoughts, enjoy. - HistoryDiva

Our next door neighbors seem determined to completely creep out LibraryDiva and me. They are prone to holding violent arguments in the breezeway between the apartments every day around 11:00 AM, which usually contain enough creative obscenities that the entire United States Navy should be a lovely shade of rosy pink by now. When they aren’t screaming the siding off the building they are either to high to stand upright or else so sloshed they actually physically collapse in random places. Several days ago I was wandering home for lunch and found the female of the pair leaning against the breezeway railing, a large bottle of booze to her immediate left. She smile sluggishly at me and hiccupped several times. It wasn’t even noon yet. The male of the pair is by far the creepier of the two. He is fat, bald and probably a drug dealer (unfortunately we can prove this or we could get them evicted). He wears shorts and ratty t-shirts every day. He leers at LibraryDiva and leans against our apartment door while his smokes (we are on the opposite end of the hall from his apartment…what is he even doing there???). Neither of these two failed genetic experiments seem to have any form of employment…or at least legitimate employment. Hey LibraryDiva, maybe she 'works' on Dorsey Street!!! (Sort of an inside joke there…sorry)

I got an email from my former high school class president today. Apparently so little interest was shown in the reunion that not only has it been cancelled but there will never be another attempt at organizing one, at least not on her part. According to the email this is her second attempt at arranging a reunion, a fact of which I was unaware. A five year reunion? Seriously? Who does that? But never mind as it was to have taken place in 2003 a time in my life which I affectionately refer to as ‘The Year I Didn’t Even Have the Time to Sit Down.’ And besides, I wouldn’t have wanted to see any of my former high school classmates then either. However, I was actually putting some serious consideration into attending a 20th or 25th reunion…

Insanity has broken out at work and I’m downing in a never ending sea of files. This is pretty much all I can say about it here, because as we all know blogging about work is never as safe or anonymous as you imagine. (And while nothing has happened regarding this you can never be too cautious.)

Oh, and this makes me laugh.