Friday, August 29, 2008

Breaking News!!!

This just in from Diva-stan’s fuzzy punks, Thing One and Thing Two:


My Hometown



Friday Ninja Post

Thursday, August 28, 2008

A Meme of a Different Color

Today’s inter-office meme…fully illustrated cause I’m entertaining like that.'s harder than it looks! Erase my answers, enter yours, and send it on to 10 people including the one that sent this to you.

*Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following...

*They have to be real places, names, things...nothing made up! Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl name question.

WHAT IS YOUR NAME: Kristine the HistoryDiva

VEHICLE: Kia Sidewinder

CITY: Kalamazoo

BOY Name: Ken

GIRL NAME: Katherine

OCCUPATION: Knitting Machine Operator





It Came From An Email


LibraryDiva: The Women’s Field Hockey Champion

*evil laughter* Told you I’d post it.

The $2.99 All You Can Eat Buffet

Now, where was I?

The piece of land this company is built on sits in a small valley and because of the geography of the land the main office building was constructed into the side of the hill. What this means is that a large portion of the ‘first’ floor of the building is actually subterranean. Now, this building is constructed out of solid steel girders and supports and has poured concrete walls, which makes it impossible to pick up a radio signal but makes one heck of a great tornado shelter.

Oh and here’s a fun fact: I’ve been on assignment here for almost two years and this was the first time I’d ever been downstairs.

The basement of this building houses the engineering (cheap joke: genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration and that’s why engineers smell so funny) and the purchasing departments as well as a few ‘odds and ends’ like the head of maintenance and the assistant to the plant manager, and resembles a rabbit warren. No really! There are walls and doors in strange places and it seems to be really lacking in logic in terms of layout but I was able to locate the ladies room (would that be considered ‘over-sharing’?) down at the end of a long, dark, door-less hallway.

Production line employees had been pulled off the lot and stood silently shoulder to shoulder in the conference room while the office staff just wandered around, perching on the edge of desks and tables, stealing chairs from the engineers and watching the sky though the tiny basement window. Rain pounded down, wind howled, distant trees bent and twisted, and pointless conversations were had.

Me: This is the first time I’ve ever been down here.

Purchasing Clerk: Really?

Sales Guy: *laughing* Well, you can see how much work they do down here!

Purchasing Clerk: Yeah, we just spend all day just standing around. *laughing*

Me: That’s all we do upstairs too.

*Everyone laughs*

Yeah, my sarcasm wasn’t even that funny but it killed the entire room. Everyone laughed, even the guys packed like sardines into the conference room. I really should have utilized my captive audience to a greater advantage…

After a few more minutes the all clear sounded and by the time I got back to my desk I could see blue sky and sunshine through the clouds. The work day ended and I hit the grocery store because there was a sad lack of food in the apartment and it was on my way home when LibraryDiva called me (a conversation she has grossly exaggerated on her blog, btw).

Brace yourself for more thrilling antics, ya’ll!

Me: Hello?

LD: How are the cats?

Me: I don’t know because I’m not home yet.

LD: Really??!!

Me: Yeah, I needed groceries.

LD: Oh.

Me: But I’m on my way there now.

LD: Okay.

Me: *driving*
Me: Oh, there are police and ambulance lights on W Street.
*uses O Street to get home*

LD: What’s going on???

Me: Don’t know, can’t see it.

LD: Do you think it’s in the complex?

Me: Don’t know.

LD: I’m staying on the phone until you get there.

Me: Okay.
*driving…turning…parking….unloading groceries…hauling groceries upstairs*

Me: I have to put you down to unlock the door.


Me: *thinking where else would they be?* Okay

Me: *wandering through the apartment*

*calling to Thing One and Thing Two*
*finds all three*

Me: All accounted for.

LD: Okay *hangs up*

See? I told you she totally over exaggerated things. But that’s the LibraryDiva for you…life just doesn’t have enough drama to suit her.

I had only been home for a few minutes when the tornado sirens went off again in downtown and I did any level headed adult living on the third floor of a wood frame apartment building would do…I emptied the garbage can and started dinner.

And that, boys and girls, was that!

The Blissfully Unaware Blue Plate Special

Time for the classically rambling, oddly disjointed, frequently off topic, and totally devoid of well constructed segues update!

When Hurricane Fay decided to hug the northern most edges of the Florida coast earlier this week she drove long bands of wind and rain up into the state of Georgia…toward my hometown…ON PURPOSE YA’LL!! I think she must have somehow found out that I was going to the dentist (yes, again). It poured down rain on Monday, buckets and buckets and buckets. Not that I’m really complaining because we need it so desperately.

Anyway! So I left work early (Hurray for loosing pay!!! Oh wait…that sucks) and was put through a very unique form of dental torture. I refuse to go into to too much detail but I will say this, it involved a magnet being ‘glued’ to my teeth and a piece of computerized headgear that LibraryDiva would have paid good money to see me strapped into. *Sigh* The indignity of being me sometimes.

I left the dentist office TWO HOURS later (it was supposed to take only 10 minutes…I had been assured of this at least a dozen times…and it took two hours!!! OMFG!!!) with a raging headache. I was honestly concerned about my ability to drive myself home. It took three maximum-strength Tylenol and some time sitting alone in the dark to recover from that one but hey, at least I didn’t vomit.

My god, my life really is just fantastically colorful and entertaining, isn’t it? Don’t you wish you were me???

Tuesday (my least favorite day of the week just in case you were wondering) dawned dark and rainy…which to me means that it didn’t actually ‘dawn’ at all! Hurricane Fay had apparently decided to up her game and the county was under a flash flood warning the entire day. The sky just held onto that ominous dark grey color that anyone who lives in a tornado prone area knows so well all morning. The rain let up briefly around lunch time (and I was looking much less pale/faintly green by that time, thank you for asking. And yes, I do go into work when I’m sick because I’m a temp with means that time off = money lost and that makes life = suck.) so I was able to run out and grab something relatively ‘soft’ to eat, because after Monday’s trip to the dentist my jaw just wasn’t up to much movement-wise.

Around 3:45 pm it sky became even more ominously dark and threatening, as clouds began to actively stack up against each other.

For those of you who don’t live in either of this country’s ‘tornado zones’ let me stop the story here for a moment or two and explain a few things.

First, the weather which heralds a tornado is easy to recognize. And usually, unless it is the middle of the night and completely pitch black outside, you are going to be able to see the thing coming.

Second, there is seriously no point in panicking. Yes, you need to swiftly gather the things you need and get to a safe area but there is no point in freaking out because that won’t do you any good and is a total waste of time.

Third, and most difficult to swallow, if you are in the path of the storm it is very likely that you will be ‘hit.’ However, if you are calm, aware, and in a safe location there is a very good chance that you will be fine.

Now, back to 3:45 pm.

Keeping an eye on the sky I called my father, who was at home and not watching either the news or the weather, to make him aware of the situation. He thanked me and said he would go stand in the hallway until the sirens stopped. (We have tornado warning sirens all over the county here, every school has them, the local community college has them, and they are sprinkled throughout the downtown area.) I called my mother at work at got her voicemail which could only mean that all the employees were already in the ‘safe’ area of the bank where she works.

Not surprisingly the company safety officer was herding everyone into the tornado shelter here on property, which happens to be the entire bottom floor of the main office building.

To Be Continued …not because it’s riveting, but because I have to leave for lunch.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Monday, August 25, 2008

In Support of the LibraryDiva

Due to a rather malicious post on another blog, my best friend and roommate the LibraryDiva has been forced to defend not only her homeland and heritage but her choice of vehicle as well. To show my support, and stand shoulder to shoulder with my buddy, I hereby make these bold bloggy statements:

My father was born here:

My mother was born here:

I was born, raised and still live here:

And if money were no object I would be driving one of these:

The End.

Cat-like Update

…because I know that somewhere deep inside you have secretly been dying for a new photo essay on my roommate’s cats!

Here’s Thing Two…sitting on LibraryDiva’s new writing desk and contemplating her new lamp. Thing Two spent the rest of the weekend hiding in LibraryDiva's closet. And no, we don't know why. I told you cats were weird.

Here’s Thing One…modeling the scarf I finished this weekend while watching the Men’s Platform Diving Finals.

Disgustingly adorable…and incredibly tolerant.

I made a very ‘grown up’ purchase this weekend...I picked up a new standing lamp while wandering through Target with LibraryDiva. Here you can see Thing One helpfully investigating the styrofoam form…

Don't you wish your life were as thrilling as mine?

Friday, August 22, 2008

Paper cuts, Memes, and Missing Toilet Paper

So, like I said in the last post, the stupid is really winning the battle around the office this week, thanks in large part to that gigantic mail out I mentioned. Apparently receiving a certified letter from a company you routinely do business with creates confusion on a near heart attack inducing level.

Things I have actually said over the phone to customers regarding this letter:

“No really, EVERYONE got one.”

“No, it isn’t an overdue bill.”

“No, it does not mean you are being sued.”

“No, it does not mean WE are being sued.”

“Did you actually read the letter?”

Mass hysteria the likes of which I’ve never seen and I was at the release party for Breaking Dawn people!

Now, here’s the frustrating part of this situation…as a blogger I want to talk about it to you, my readers, but I don’t want to give away too much about the industry in which I am currently working. I also don’t want to get to whiny or rant-y because I know you hate it as much as I do. *coughcouchhinthintRobertcough*

And let’s face it, for the most part:

So let’s see if I can effectively sum up this situation in under oh….50 words.

We sent a computer generated form letter via certified mail to ALL our customers explaining that if they perform a specific modification to any items they purchase from us which are still under their original factory warranty they will immediately void the warranty for that item.

Forty six words. I win.

The letter is concise and uncomplicated. Hell, they didn’t even use any ‘legal lingo’ in the thing! And yet the phone calls keep coming!!!

In other un-work-related news my bathroom renovation is still not complete. (My God! Could my life be more riveting than it is at this moment? I think not!) The job, which was supposed to take ‘two days at most,’ has now stretched itself out to over two weeks. Way to procrastinate, Apartment Complex Maintenance Guy!

And speaking of you, ACMGuy, what’s the deal with Bogarting an entire roll of my toilet paper? Huh? What is that about???

What else can I tell you about that is completely unrelated and totally off topic?

Oh! I was inter-office meme-d today. Here, I’ll throw it in for your reading pleasure…

Two names you go by:
1. HistoryDiva
2. SuperTemp

Two of your favorite things to do:
1. Procrastinate
2. Deliberately procrastinate

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. Better blog fodder
2. A pay raise…which might happen if I would stop blogging at work!

Two Pets that you have or have had:
1. Several suicidal goldfish, all of whom succeeded
2. Thing One and Thing Two…who aren’t actually mine

Two things you did last night:
1. Now, now, inter-office meme, that’s a little personal don’t you think?

Last thing you ate:
1. Lunch…and hey, what happened to the whole ‘two things’ theme?

Two people you last talked to:
1. An automated message for someone who doesn’t actually work here
2. A debt collector looking for an employee

Two things you're doing tomorrow:
1. Ignoring roommate’s cats when they attempt to rouse me from sleep at 5:00 am
2. yeah….that’s pretty much the only goal for tomorrow…

There were more questions on it but they were even more boring than these so I deleted them. Feel special. See how much I value you? I delete crap on your behalf cause I’m awesome like that.

And that, my lovelies, is that!

How Stupid Are You? says I'm 4% Stupid! How stupid are you? Click Here!

Yes, I know. This is a total ‘throw away’ post but hey, it’s Friday afternoon and the stupid is oozing out of the woodwork around here today. So…you’ll just have to suck it up, bitches!

And hey, it could always be worse...after all I could have slipped you the link to this. (You can thank me later.)

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Company Picnic

The company picnic last year was a bust due to low attendance.

This year management has decided that in an effort to increase employee attendance alcohol will be served.

However, due to liability, each employee may only have one (1) drink.

Could I be fired for ordering the cups?

When a Stupid Calls

I work for a manufacturing company (have I mentioned this before???). This company has one plant, located in my hometown, but the product is used all over the world. In fact, you will find this product on every continent except for Africa because apparently there just isn’t a market for what we manufacture.

When a unit is being delivered within North America the easiest method of delivery is to simply transport the unit ‘over the road.’ It is not at all uncommon for a delivery driver who has never picked up from company headquarters to call in and ask for directions …which I provide.

Here’s an example:

Me: Good morning, (insert company name here).

Caller: Yes, I’m coming to your location for a pick up and I need some directions.

Me: Where are you coming from?

Caller: Jacksonville, Florida.

Me: *Google Mapping* Okay…you’ll take US Highway 10 West until it connects with I-75. You’ll want to take I-75 North…

Caller: *Interrupting* North? No. I’m coming to your headquarters for a pickup.

Me: Yes sir. You’ll want to take I-75 North…

Caller: *Interrupting AGAIN* I’m coming to your head quarters in Winchestertonfieldsville.

Me: Yes sir. So…I-75 North…

Caller: *Interrupting again AGAIN!* Winchestertonfieldsville, Florida. *said with a little ‘tsk’ tongue click and a tone like he’s explaining things to a two year old*

Me: Sir, we’re located in Winchestertonfieldsville, GEORGIA.

*several long moments of silence on the line*

Caller: *Much friendlier tone* So, I take I-75 North...

Monday, August 18, 2008

Premature Decoration

The H.O.P.S.F. and I decided that we were both in need of some retail therapy on Saturday so we headed down to one of our favorite stores and encountered several rather disturbing sights. Now, before you scroll through the pictures I want to take a moment and remind you of something:

It’s August and we’re in the middle of the Summer Olympic Games.
Hey! It's the H.O.P.S.F.!! Isn't she cute???
The "Holy Trio" have already been marked down for "Quick Sale."
Santa: The Big Game Hunter

Friday, August 15, 2008

Thursday, August 14, 2008

The ABCs of HistoryDiva

Because it’s still Thursday…and I have nothing better to do right now. Shut up.

Admiring: my ability to look like I’m working while I’m actually blogging.

Beating myself up about: The fact that I’m 28 and still get nauseous at the thought of going to the dentist.

Crying over: Nothing. It takes great amounts of frustration to bring on tears.

Daydreaming about: Things that really should be making me blush…

Excited because: I get to leave work two hours early today!

Frustrated because: I’m leaving early to go to the dentist.

Grumpy because: people keep asking me to fix their paper jams in the copy machine and it burns my fingers. Every. Single. Time.

Hate-filled and seething over: my pot smoking, alcohol chugging, obscenity screaming neighbors. Yeah…the NEW ones.

Indignant because: I have to work for a living.

Just shoot me now because: I don’t get to have any lunch because the combination of lunch + dentist + gag reflex = Disaster. And I’m freaking starving!!!

Kidding myself regarding: My dreams of becoming a superhero/ninja/international spy.

Listening to: m-flo (Japanese pop group)

Mooning over: The way the American men’s swim team wear their Speedos.

Need: a haircut, some new clothes for work, and a vacation.

Obsessing over: My ongoing bathroom repair project.

Praying: That my grandparents stay in good health for a while.

Questioning: my choice of footwear. Why did I buy these shoes?

Reading: The Host by Stephenie Meyer (or at least I will be soon).

Singing: in Japanese. This confuses my coworkers…I see that as a bonus.

Trying: not to vomit (remember that whole ‘dentist’ thing???)

Unnerved by: that thing I saw yesterday that I’m refusing to talk about. Yeah…it was gross. And no, I can’t get it out of my head. And yeah, I know it was totally photo-shopped but that totally doesn’t help. I’m seriously scarred for life. Be glad you didn’t see it.

Very Interesting Update: Robert called last night and dished about his relationship. He also told me that his arm was scratched up and bleeding freely. I asked him if he had been attached by a cougar. He didn’t seem to appreciate my joke.

Wondering: about what I really want to do with my life…cause this ain’t it.

X-rated action: Do steamy day-dreams count?

Yawning over: anything that has to do with Hollywood or celebrates. Not everyone cares about this crap.

Zoinks: Okay, seriously, zoinks??? Who says that?

It's Thursday…so here, have a meme.

1. Do you try to look hot when you go to the grocery store just in case someone recognizes you from your blog?

Well, since I have yet to post a picture of myself on my blog unless the person I ran into not only already knew me but was also aware of Blissfully Unaware and since all those people already know what I look like in real life…

Wait…where was I going with this?

Oh yeah, no.

2. Are the photos you post Photoshopped or otherwise altered?

Nope, straight off the camera phone and onto the web.

3. Do you like it when creeps or dorks email you?

Dorks don’t bother me (hey look, it’s a shout out to Robert and Carl), and creeps don’t email me (thank you SpamGuard).

4. Do you lie in your blog?

No. There are times when I will leave specific information out and there are subjects that I just won’t touch on but no, I don’t lie.

5. Are you passive-aggressive in your blog?

What the hell does that mean??? You looking for a fight???

6. Do you ever threaten to quit writing so people will tell you not to stop?

Nope, I’m actually using my blog as a subtle form of torture for my readers…the more I write the more pain I inflict. It makes me happy in my pants.

7. Are you in therapy? If no, should you be? If so, is it helping?

No, why pay someone to listen to me whine when my friends will do that for free?

Should I be in therapy? I’ve honestly never given it much thought. I’ve seen the benefits of it first hand and firmly believe in it but no, I don’t think I need it.

8. Do you delete mean comments? Do you fake nice ones?

No, I don’t delete comments and no, I don’t post fake ones.

9. Have you ever rubbed one out while reading a blog? How about after?


10. If your readers knew you in person, would they like you more or like you less?

Ha ha, internets, ha ha!! My readers do know me in person and love me anyway!!!

11. Do you have a job?

By day, humble super temp on assignment with a manufacturing company. By night…asleep mostly.

12. If someone offered you a decent salary to blog full-time without restrictions, would you do it?

Hells yeah! That falls into the same category as ‘if someone offered you decent salary to breath for a living would you take it.”

13. Which blogger do you want to meet in real life?

Pioneer Woman, Bossy, Amalah, Stephanie…I could continue…

14. Which bloggers have you made out with?

Sadly, none.

15. Do you usually act like you have more money or less money than you really have?

Actually I strive to come across as living a middle class lifestyle. Its how I grew up and what I’m used to. So I hope that I act like a member of the middle class…which is slightly more money than I actually have because I’m a temp and our take home is somewhere between ‘nada’ and ‘zip.’

16. Does your family read your blog?

My family is largely computer illiterate and I strive to keep them that way. Actually I don’t even think they are aware I have a blog…

17. How old is your blog?

7 months, 10 days. *Sniffle* They grow up so fast!!!

18. Do you get more than 1,000 page views per day? Do you care?

I have no idea how many page views I get a day…I need a counter.

19. Do you have another secret blog in which you write about being depressed, slutty, or a liar?

Nope, all my real life truthiness gets posted right here. Heck, I'll even share some right now: I have cramps.

20. Have you ever given another blogger money for his/her writing?

Not in general. There are times when I will click on ads and I know that it brings in a little revenue.

21. Do you report the money you earn from your blog on your taxes?

I don’t earn money from my blog.

22. Is blogging narcissistic?

Does this post make me look fat?

23. Do you feel guilty when you don't post for a long time?

Define ‘long time.’

24. Do you like John Mayer?

Not only do I like John Mayer, I’m also bigger than my body, waiting on the world to change and quite often say what I need to say.

25. Do you have enemies?

I’m sure I have a few… 'she who must not be named’ comes to mind.

26. Are you lonely?

Only on the inside.

27. Why bother?

Well, I blame peer pressure really because yes, if all my friends e-jumped off an e-bridge I would probably e-do that too.

Random Picture Thursday

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

This is real life…

…just as riveting as yesterday…only more ‘now-ish.’

Came home last night to a new bath tub and a mostly repaired bathroom.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008