Remember kids, VD burns.
Showing posts with label snark. Show all posts
Showing posts with label snark. Show all posts
Friday, February 14, 2014
Friday, January 31, 2014
Just sayin'
This is for all those people who have been publicly slamming the ATL about snow shutting down our highways.
In Los Angeles, California it's sunny and 75 degrees today.
In Los Angeles, California it's sunny and 75 degrees today.
And this is the 101.
What's the matter California? Don't you have enough resources to handle it???
Bite me, ya'll.
- HistoryDiva
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Here We Go Again
Dear 2014,
Hey, I just met you...
And this is crazy...
But a year is long...
So...DON'T SUCK, maybe?
- HistoryDiva
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Snatched From Real Life
So I'm sitting in a café for lunch today and the service was RIDICULOUSLY slow so I had a lot of time to listened to the conversations of those sitting around me while watching the new waitress fail to actually provide service. Seated behind me and slightly to the left were a middle aged woman and her mother. These two apparently do not see each other that often because they seemed to have quite a bit of catching up to do...meaning the younger one just wouldn't stop talking. So here, for your reading enjoyment and because I haven't given you a nice wordy post in quite some time, are a few of the interesting things I learned about this random stranger's family.
The youngest child in the family is a girl named Megan. Megan is in elementary school, feels 'stifled' by the education system, believes her teacher to 'far less than adequate', and apparently has far too much energy for her mother's taste. Here is a direct quote from 'mom' : "I'm enrolling Megan in tumbling. I think she will enjoy it." Now, the last time I checked that particular activity was called gymnastics AND generally it helps if your child has expressed some interest in an activity before you force it upon them. I feel bad for Megan…I have visions of a rather chubby little girl with dirty blond pig-tails and glasses standing on the side of a tumbling mat in a unflatteringly tight pink leotard… I don't think this will end well.
The middle child in the family is a girl in middle school. Her name was never stated and her mother referred to her only as 'the brat' or 'that brat.' Apparently, at age 12 this young person has already failed at life so badly that there is simply no hope for her salvation. Her mother actually went so far as to question the value of this child's existence and stated that she was "a complete waste of air." Harsh, but honest. Way to suck as a parent there, mom!
The oldest child, a high school senior named Peter, is apparently the family golden boy and can do no wrong. Peter plays football, basketball, baseball, soccer, and runs track. I'm frankly astonished that Perfect Peter is able to squeeze academics into his busy extracurricular schedule but he is also apparently an A student. Something tells me that Peter is either lying to his parents about his grades, or that he's gotten his hands on someone else's Ritalin and hasn't slept since July. Apparently mom has decided that Peter also needs to master another language and forcibly enrolled him in Spanish at the beginning of the school year. Today is the class Christmas party. Here's another direct quote from mom: "Well, he may not realize it yet, but I expect him to be completely fluent by graduation." It's December…graduation is in June…Peter is in Spanish 1. Anyone else see the flaw in this plan?
The moral of today's story? Be careful about what you discuss loudly in public places...or you could end up on someone's blog.
The youngest child in the family is a girl named Megan. Megan is in elementary school, feels 'stifled' by the education system, believes her teacher to 'far less than adequate', and apparently has far too much energy for her mother's taste. Here is a direct quote from 'mom' : "I'm enrolling Megan in tumbling. I think she will enjoy it." Now, the last time I checked that particular activity was called gymnastics AND generally it helps if your child has expressed some interest in an activity before you force it upon them. I feel bad for Megan…I have visions of a rather chubby little girl with dirty blond pig-tails and glasses standing on the side of a tumbling mat in a unflatteringly tight pink leotard… I don't think this will end well.
The middle child in the family is a girl in middle school. Her name was never stated and her mother referred to her only as 'the brat' or 'that brat.' Apparently, at age 12 this young person has already failed at life so badly that there is simply no hope for her salvation. Her mother actually went so far as to question the value of this child's existence and stated that she was "a complete waste of air." Harsh, but honest. Way to suck as a parent there, mom!
The oldest child, a high school senior named Peter, is apparently the family golden boy and can do no wrong. Peter plays football, basketball, baseball, soccer, and runs track. I'm frankly astonished that Perfect Peter is able to squeeze academics into his busy extracurricular schedule but he is also apparently an A student. Something tells me that Peter is either lying to his parents about his grades, or that he's gotten his hands on someone else's Ritalin and hasn't slept since July. Apparently mom has decided that Peter also needs to master another language and forcibly enrolled him in Spanish at the beginning of the school year. Today is the class Christmas party. Here's another direct quote from mom: "Well, he may not realize it yet, but I expect him to be completely fluent by graduation." It's December…graduation is in June…Peter is in Spanish 1. Anyone else see the flaw in this plan?
The moral of today's story? Be careful about what you discuss loudly in public places...or you could end up on someone's blog.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
An Exercise In Sarcasm
So…apparently Clay Aikin is gay.
Was anyone surprised by this? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
This is big news? Seriously??? What is tabloid journalism in this country coming to?? Huh? I mean what next? Revealing that Simon Cowell is British?? Or that Paula Abdul is an abuser of illicit substances?? Or that Ryan Seacrest needs a good swift kick to the nads…provided that the actually HAS THEM???
Geez!
P.S. He’s not just gay…he’s G.A.Y...M.C.A.!!!!
Friday, September 19, 2008
Your Friday Meme
Okay, the blame for this one lies squarely on the shoulders of the BalletDiva. Enjoy – HistoryDiva.
You know the drill! Answer the questions and reply when time permits! : )
1) Describe your favorite pair of socks.
Every sock I own is identical. White sport weight with gray toes and heels…and a weird little ‘clock’ design on the bottom. (And just what is that all about Hanes company?? Huh??)
2) Would you rather fall to your death from the top of the Empire State Building or the edge of the Grand Canyon?
The Grand Canyon…your last moments should be pretty.
3) Assuming you possess unlimited skill and training, what would you really want to do everyday?
Ninja/International Spy
4) MySpace or Facebook?
I had a MySpace for about 20 minutes before I deleted it.
I deactivated my Facebook a few weeks ago.
5) Polka or Bluegrass?
Tough call! If I’m at Mule Camp or Gold Rush or Bear on the Square: Bluegrass.
If its 8:00 AM on a Saturday morning in my parents neighborhood and the lesbians who live down the street are in a good mood then the entire street gets to Polka until sundown.
But of the two…I tend to lean toward polka.
6) What is the best meal you've ever eaten?
Ummm…OH! My first real meal after having my wisdom teeth removed. I had been living on pudding, yogurt, and jello for a whole month before things healed up enough that I could eat solid foods again. Mom and Dad took me to Western Sizzler (*tears because it’s torn down*) and I had a filet mignon, a baked potato, a salad and a glass of sweet tea.
7) Describe something someone did for you that was really awesome.
That time I was ‘kidnapped’ by the H.O.P.S.F. for my 27th birthday. She took me to lunch at this tiny little restaurant in the middle of nowhere, force fed me a basket of the world’s greatest onion rings, and spent the rest of the day driving me all over the north Georgia mountains. Hands down, it was the best birthday gift EVER.
8) Name a song lyric that is important to you.
“Measure your life in love.”
9) If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?
Flunky Toilettushie. Thank you Captain Underpants, Professor Poopypants and the Name Change-O-Chart 2000!
Oh, and just so you know…
LibraryDiva: Stinky Waffletushie
H.O.P.S.F.: Flunky Gerbilchunks
BalletDiva: Loopy Toiletbrains
Robert: Loopy Gizzardtush
Carl: Buttercup Lizardfanny
10) Toilet paper: Over the roll or under the roll?
Over the roll.
You know the drill! Answer the questions and reply when time permits! : )
1) Describe your favorite pair of socks.
Every sock I own is identical. White sport weight with gray toes and heels…and a weird little ‘clock’ design on the bottom. (And just what is that all about Hanes company?? Huh??)
2) Would you rather fall to your death from the top of the Empire State Building or the edge of the Grand Canyon?
The Grand Canyon…your last moments should be pretty.
3) Assuming you possess unlimited skill and training, what would you really want to do everyday?
Ninja/International Spy
4) MySpace or Facebook?
I had a MySpace for about 20 minutes before I deleted it.
I deactivated my Facebook a few weeks ago.
5) Polka or Bluegrass?
Tough call! If I’m at Mule Camp or Gold Rush or Bear on the Square: Bluegrass.
If its 8:00 AM on a Saturday morning in my parents neighborhood and the lesbians who live down the street are in a good mood then the entire street gets to Polka until sundown.
But of the two…I tend to lean toward polka.
6) What is the best meal you've ever eaten?
Ummm…OH! My first real meal after having my wisdom teeth removed. I had been living on pudding, yogurt, and jello for a whole month before things healed up enough that I could eat solid foods again. Mom and Dad took me to Western Sizzler (*tears because it’s torn down*) and I had a filet mignon, a baked potato, a salad and a glass of sweet tea.
7) Describe something someone did for you that was really awesome.
That time I was ‘kidnapped’ by the H.O.P.S.F. for my 27th birthday. She took me to lunch at this tiny little restaurant in the middle of nowhere, force fed me a basket of the world’s greatest onion rings, and spent the rest of the day driving me all over the north Georgia mountains. Hands down, it was the best birthday gift EVER.
8) Name a song lyric that is important to you.
“Measure your life in love.”
9) If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?
Flunky Toilettushie. Thank you Captain Underpants, Professor Poopypants and the Name Change-O-Chart 2000!
Oh, and just so you know…
LibraryDiva: Stinky Waffletushie
H.O.P.S.F.: Flunky Gerbilchunks
BalletDiva: Loopy Toiletbrains
Robert: Loopy Gizzardtush
Carl: Buttercup Lizardfanny
10) Toilet paper: Over the roll or under the roll?
Over the roll.
Snap, Crackle, Pop!
Two years ago (in November) I left my job with a local bank. Considering the fact that I had detested everything about that job from day one, the fact that I stayed there for nine months should really earn me a medal of valor or something. ANYWAY! Two years ago (in November) I was placed in my current position by the temp agency I work through.
And my first task at this new job was to fold and stuff and seal the 3000 Christmas cards being sent out by the company. Now, I didn’t mind the busy work but I was astonished that the task had been left to so late a date in the year. That year there was a mad scramble to get the cards addressed, stamped and out the door by Christmas…and it took a team of eight people (not including myself) several WEEKS to complete the task.
Last year I was once again given the task of preparing the company’s Christmas cards…this time only 2000 cards due to the large number of cards returned the previous year. Determined to get a head start on things I (and it was just me) had all the cards folded, stuffed, and sealed by Halloween…all of which took me about a week (I am nothing if not efficient.) But the guy who was supposed to generate the address labels dawdled around until after Thanksgiving so we were running late again.
So yesterday, since I had nothing to do, I wandered the office looking for work. And I happened to overhear a mention of the fact that the Christmas cards had arrived last week. So I figured that I might as well get started.
And my first task at this new job was to fold and stuff and seal the 3000 Christmas cards being sent out by the company. Now, I didn’t mind the busy work but I was astonished that the task had been left to so late a date in the year. That year there was a mad scramble to get the cards addressed, stamped and out the door by Christmas…and it took a team of eight people (not including myself) several WEEKS to complete the task.
Last year I was once again given the task of preparing the company’s Christmas cards…this time only 2000 cards due to the large number of cards returned the previous year. Determined to get a head start on things I (and it was just me) had all the cards folded, stuffed, and sealed by Halloween…all of which took me about a week (I am nothing if not efficient.) But the guy who was supposed to generate the address labels dawdled around until after Thanksgiving so we were running late again.
So yesterday, since I had nothing to do, I wandered the office looking for work. And I happened to overhear a mention of the fact that the Christmas cards had arrived last week. So I figured that I might as well get started.
Oh and P.S.: This year’s design is ‘dancing elves’??? Yeah…because apparently nothing says “We’re an internationally known, highly efficient, trustworthy, worthwhile company” better than dancing elves.
But mine is not to question why…mine is to fold the cards.
Friday, September 5, 2008
It’s Time for a Meme!!!
Today’s inter-office meme is courtesy of my work email and fellow co-workers. Enjoy!
About Me 2008 – Edited by the HistoryDiva for ease of bloggy consumption.
1. What time did you get up this morning? Well before sunrise which really ought to be illegal.
2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamond earrings darling! Nothing under a carat please.
3. What was the last movie you saw? The Spiderwick Chronicles (because my father wanted to watch it and it was either that or (I can’t even believe I’m typing this and admitting that he actually PURCHASED A COPY) 10.000 BC….*vomit*)
4. Where is the most beautiful place you've ever been? The New River Gorge in West Virginia.
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Cereal (“it’s cold and wet…it’s a cloud thing…”)
6. What is your favorite food? The kind I don’t have to pay for.
7. What food do you dislike? The kind I have to pay for.
8. What is your favorite CD lately? Queen Greatest Hits Volume One
9. What kind of car do you drive? Its silver…does that count???
10. Favorite sandwich? Pulled Pork Barbeque
11. What characteristics do you despise? Willful ignorance
12. Favorite item of clothing? My black hoodie.
13. If you could go anywhere in the world for a vacation, where would you go? New Zealand - we are talking about ‘vacations from which you decided never to return’ right?
14. What color is your bathroom? Umm…the weird creamy very light tan color that the apartment complex maintenance team painted it before we moved in three years ago and all I can say about it is ‘Eww.’ Oh, and it’s impossible to accessorize.
15. Favorite brand of clothing? Comfortable. Comfortable totally counts…right?
16. Where would/will you retire? Either Australia or New Zealand…somewhere in the Pacific Islands.
17. What was your most memorable birthday? Well, remembered for a good reason or for a bad reason???? For a good reason it would be my 27th. For a bad reason there are several…6, 13, 16, 19…but that’s a whole blog post unto itself.
18. Favorite sport to watch? The Olympics
19. When is your birthday? Why? Are you going to buy me a present? If so please see Question 2 for helpful gift ideas.
20. Are you a morning person or a night person? Total night owl forced to function during daylight hours by corporate oppressors for monetary gain.
21. Pets? Thing One, Thing Two, Trevor the Wonder Hamster, Interloping Midget, and LibraryDiva.
22. What did you want to be when you were little? Forensic Pathologist
23. What are you today? SuperTemp
24. What is your favorite flower? Everyone say it with me: “The Daisy.”
25. Do you wish on stars? I live in the middle of a very well lit city and can’t see them.
26. Do you believe in Angels? Among other things…seen and unseen…but that’s a whole different blog post.
27. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Macaroni and Cheese orange.
28. Pet peeves? Let’s see…people who eat while on the phone, people who make lots of noise with their food, people who hover while I’m trying to work, people who ramble on and on about their day or their problem when all I want to know is who they want me to transfer their call to…
29. Favorite television show? Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. (The new season starts on Monday ya’ll!)
30. Siblings? All sacrificed to specific deities for personal gain long ago.
31. What was your favorite toy as a child? Legos.
32. What is under your bed? Tan wall to wall, the cord for my electric blanket, Thing One, Thing Two, and the Interloping Midget.
33. Who is the friend you've had longest? The H.O.P.S.F. has been stuck with me for 10 years.
34. What are you most afraid of? Clowns
35. How many years at your current job? 2 years on November 28th.
36. Favorite day of the week? Thursday.
37. Least favorite day of the week? F*cking Tuesday.
About Me 2008 – Edited by the HistoryDiva for ease of bloggy consumption.
1. What time did you get up this morning? Well before sunrise which really ought to be illegal.
2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamond earrings darling! Nothing under a carat please.
3. What was the last movie you saw? The Spiderwick Chronicles (because my father wanted to watch it and it was either that or (I can’t even believe I’m typing this and admitting that he actually PURCHASED A COPY) 10.000 BC….*vomit*)
4. Where is the most beautiful place you've ever been? The New River Gorge in West Virginia.
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Cereal (“it’s cold and wet…it’s a cloud thing…”)
6. What is your favorite food? The kind I don’t have to pay for.
7. What food do you dislike? The kind I have to pay for.
8. What is your favorite CD lately? Queen Greatest Hits Volume One
9. What kind of car do you drive? Its silver…does that count???
10. Favorite sandwich? Pulled Pork Barbeque
11. What characteristics do you despise? Willful ignorance
12. Favorite item of clothing? My black hoodie.
13. If you could go anywhere in the world for a vacation, where would you go? New Zealand - we are talking about ‘vacations from which you decided never to return’ right?
14. What color is your bathroom? Umm…the weird creamy very light tan color that the apartment complex maintenance team painted it before we moved in three years ago and all I can say about it is ‘Eww.’ Oh, and it’s impossible to accessorize.
15. Favorite brand of clothing? Comfortable. Comfortable totally counts…right?
16. Where would/will you retire? Either Australia or New Zealand…somewhere in the Pacific Islands.
17. What was your most memorable birthday? Well, remembered for a good reason or for a bad reason???? For a good reason it would be my 27th. For a bad reason there are several…6, 13, 16, 19…but that’s a whole blog post unto itself.
18. Favorite sport to watch? The Olympics
19. When is your birthday? Why? Are you going to buy me a present? If so please see Question 2 for helpful gift ideas.
20. Are you a morning person or a night person? Total night owl forced to function during daylight hours by corporate oppressors for monetary gain.
21. Pets? Thing One, Thing Two, Trevor the Wonder Hamster, Interloping Midget, and LibraryDiva.
22. What did you want to be when you were little? Forensic Pathologist
23. What are you today? SuperTemp
24. What is your favorite flower? Everyone say it with me: “The Daisy.”
25. Do you wish on stars? I live in the middle of a very well lit city and can’t see them.
26. Do you believe in Angels? Among other things…seen and unseen…but that’s a whole different blog post.
27. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Macaroni and Cheese orange.
28. Pet peeves? Let’s see…people who eat while on the phone, people who make lots of noise with their food, people who hover while I’m trying to work, people who ramble on and on about their day or their problem when all I want to know is who they want me to transfer their call to…
29. Favorite television show? Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. (The new season starts on Monday ya’ll!)
30. Siblings? All sacrificed to specific deities for personal gain long ago.
31. What was your favorite toy as a child? Legos.
32. What is under your bed? Tan wall to wall, the cord for my electric blanket, Thing One, Thing Two, and the Interloping Midget.
33. Who is the friend you've had longest? The H.O.P.S.F. has been stuck with me for 10 years.
34. What are you most afraid of? Clowns
35. How many years at your current job? 2 years on November 28th.
36. Favorite day of the week? Thursday.
37. Least favorite day of the week? F*cking Tuesday.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
The Company Picnic
The company picnic last year was a bust due to low attendance.
This year management has decided that in an effort to increase employee attendance alcohol will be served.
However, due to liability, each employee may only have one (1) drink.
This year management has decided that in an effort to increase employee attendance alcohol will be served.
However, due to liability, each employee may only have one (1) drink.
Could I be fired for ordering the cups?
When a Stupid Calls
I work for a manufacturing company (have I mentioned this before???). This company has one plant, located in my hometown, but the product is used all over the world. In fact, you will find this product on every continent except for Africa because apparently there just isn’t a market for what we manufacture.
When a unit is being delivered within North America the easiest method of delivery is to simply transport the unit ‘over the road.’ It is not at all uncommon for a delivery driver who has never picked up from company headquarters to call in and ask for directions …which I provide.
Here’s an example:
Me: Good morning, (insert company name here).
Caller: Yes, I’m coming to your location for a pick up and I need some directions.
Me: Where are you coming from?
Caller: Jacksonville, Florida.
Me: *Google Mapping* Okay…you’ll take US Highway 10 West until it connects with I-75. You’ll want to take I-75 North…
Caller: *Interrupting* North? No. I’m coming to your headquarters for a pickup.
Me: Yes sir. You’ll want to take I-75 North…
Caller: *Interrupting AGAIN* I’m coming to your head quarters in Winchestertonfieldsville.
Me: Yes sir. So…I-75 North…
Caller: *Interrupting again AGAIN!* Winchestertonfieldsville, Florida. *said with a little ‘tsk’ tongue click and a tone like he’s explaining things to a two year old*
Me: Sir, we’re located in Winchestertonfieldsville, GEORGIA.
*several long moments of silence on the line*
Caller: *Much friendlier tone* So, I take I-75 North...
When a unit is being delivered within North America the easiest method of delivery is to simply transport the unit ‘over the road.’ It is not at all uncommon for a delivery driver who has never picked up from company headquarters to call in and ask for directions …which I provide.
Here’s an example:
Me: Good morning, (insert company name here).
Caller: Yes, I’m coming to your location for a pick up and I need some directions.
Me: Where are you coming from?
Caller: Jacksonville, Florida.
Me: *Google Mapping* Okay…you’ll take US Highway 10 West until it connects with I-75. You’ll want to take I-75 North…
Caller: *Interrupting* North? No. I’m coming to your headquarters for a pickup.
Me: Yes sir. You’ll want to take I-75 North…
Caller: *Interrupting AGAIN* I’m coming to your head quarters in Winchestertonfieldsville.
Me: Yes sir. So…I-75 North…
Caller: *Interrupting again AGAIN!* Winchestertonfieldsville, Florida. *said with a little ‘tsk’ tongue click and a tone like he’s explaining things to a two year old*
Me: Sir, we’re located in Winchestertonfieldsville, GEORGIA.
*several long moments of silence on the line*
Caller: *Much friendlier tone* So, I take I-75 North...
Monday, August 18, 2008
Premature Decoration
The H.O.P.S.F. and I decided that we were both in need of some retail therapy on Saturday so we headed down to one of our favorite stores and encountered several rather disturbing sights. Now, before you scroll through the pictures I want to take a moment and remind you of something:
It’s August and we’re in the middle of the Summer Olympic Games.
It’s August and we’re in the middle of the Summer Olympic Games.
Hey! It's the H.O.P.S.F.!! Isn't she cute???
The "Holy Trio" have already been marked down for "Quick Sale."
Santa: The Big Game Hunter
Friday, August 1, 2008
"I say we party."
Happy
200th
Post!
I know, I know...there are times when my creative genius is just so impressive that it baffles even me.
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